Skipping Out

Feeling turtle-pace at the Big Bear Hostel

When one's mind is battling some life issue either of self-creation or surprise, completing trail miles can suddenly seem overwhelmingly impossible.

It takes a relaxed and focused mind for miles to pass "effortlessly" by. Once the stress of life overlaps with the trail, it can manifest itself in terrible ways.

Today this meant that I began limping 13 miles into my planned 32-mile day. I felt mentally exhausted and was behind schedule. I told myself I'd limped through many miles before and that I should keep going.

Then I hit the first Deep Creek crossing. It was indeed, a deep creek. Full of murky, stagnant water. 

No, I said. No, I am not doing this.

The air was thick with the heat of midday. I'd just come from a lovely lunch break by the cold, clear Mojave River. I was not feeling like plunging myself waist-deep into disgusting water.

The water was still, and though it was gross wouldn't have taken me more than a couple of minutes to get to the other side, where I could've kept on hiking. But this became my breaking point.

After pacing the crossing area for a bit and seeing no shallow crossing, I turned around and began hiking to the road a couple miles back. I told myself I'd take the Mojave Dam alternate around the disgusting Deep Creek. I could use the bonus miles anyways.

My frustration seemed to inflame the tendon in my right foot further, and by the time I got back to route 173 I was limping more than ever.

It hit me that I was not in the condition to talk myself through the 45 more miles of on-and-off limping to get to Big Bear. I thudded down beneath a shady tree surrounded by the cars of day-hikers and came close to tears. 

It's all because of my stupid, messed-up feet! I told myself. It's just not fair that I can't hike these high miles today because of some stupid feet genetics. (I have bunions, tendonitis, plantar fastiitis, whatever other feet -itises there are).

Another hiker had said just a couple days before that "Any thruhiker can hike 40 miles."

Not me! I thought. No, I am cursed with this stupid hindrance to one of the things I love most- hiking.

In addition to my foot pity party, I'd been struggling with some friendship issues I couldn't get off of my mind throughout the morning. I was just so done with the day. I decided I needed to get off trail and away from hiking if I was going to get back to where I needed to be mentally.

5 miles and 4 generous rides got me out of the unbearably hot Apple Valley and to the Big Bear Hostel.

I spent the evening curled up on the couch, watching Sixteen Candles. I didn't feel like walking anywhere so I ate plain hamburger buns from the community cabinet for dinner.

Who is this fragile person? I think. Where is my badass hiker-gal self?

I haven't taken any zero days since I started the desert. I hadn't been stretching and meditating in the way that I was before. My self-care had become almost nonexistent. 

Well, lesson learned.

I'm hoping I'm one zero day away from hitting the trail again full-force...